Reaching Forgiveness

“How can I forgive my parents when they were so abusive to me when I was growing up?”

“How can I forgive my spouse for cheating on me?”

“How can I forgive my best friend for abandoning me?”

“How can I face and forgive unforgiving abusers and manipulators?”

“How can I forgive myself when others do not forgive me and throw my past in my face every chance they get?”





These are some of the questions about forgiveness my clients have asked me over the 37 years that I have been a counselor.

We have all been told that forgiveness is good for the soul, and it is. Yet forgiveness cannot be forced. We cannot will ourselves to forgive, because if we try to deny the anger, blame and judgment that may still be there, it is likely to come out at some point. So how do we reach forgiveness?

Forgiveness toward others is the natural outcome of forgiving ourselves and of taking loving care of ourselves. When we judge ourselves, we will have a tendency to project that judgment onto others, no matter how much we tell ourselves that we have forgiven them.

Let’s start with the first statement, “How can I forgive my parents when they were so abusive to me when I was growing up?” My experience is that as long as you continue to treat yourself in the abusive ways your parents may have treated you, you cannot reach forgiveness. It is your lack of self-care that perpetuates the anger toward others.

As adults, we each have a wonderful opportunity to learn to treat ourselves with the love, respect, caring and understanding that we may have lacked as children. When we don’t do this, the past becomes the present as we continue to abuse ourselves in the ways we may have been abused, and then continue to blame others for how we end up feeling as a result of our lack of self-care.

“How can I forgive my spouse for cheating on me?” You will not be able to forgive a spouse until you fully take responsibility for your participation in the relationship issues that may have contributed to the infidelity. There are always ways you did not listen to yourself or honor yourself that put you in the position of being betrayed. As you look deeply within and discover how you might have betrayed yourself and learn to forgive yourself, you may reach forgiveness for your spouse, even if you end up leaving the relationship.

“How can I forgive my best friend for abandoning me?” The world tends to mirror to us whatever is happening in our own inner system. When we feel abandoned by someone, there is a good possibility that we have abandoned ourselves – that we have failed to attend to our own feelings and needs and have failed to be a loving advocate for ourselves. Once again, you will discover that if you learn how to take loving care of yourself, you will find your anger toward others gradually disappearing.

“How can I face and forgive unforgiving abusers and manipulators?” Others’ behavior actually has little to do with whether we choose to be judgmental or accepting and forgiving. When we learn to be compassionate rather than judgmental toward the wounded, manipulative side of ourselves, we will naturally be compassionate toward others’ wounded, manipulative behavior. Once again, forgiveness is the natural outgrowth of doing our inner work, of moving out of self-judgment and into self-compassion.

“How can I forgive myself when others do not forgive me and throw my past in my face every chance they get?” You will stay stuck in anger and judgment, and in feeling like a victim, as long as you make others responsible for whether or not you forgive yourself. Others’ forgiveness has nothing to do with your own decision to judge or forgive yourself.

When you learn to move out of judgment and into compassion – first for yourself and then for others – you will find yourself forgiving yourself and others. Forgiveness is the natural outgrowth of compassion.

Taking Action To Improve Your Life

When we first decide to make positive changes in our lives, we usually underestimate the amount of effort it will take. It's easy to dream and imagine a better life, but we also need to give form to our thoughts with decisive action. And that's where most of us get stuck.





Imagine that you wanted to build a house, and think about the process that needs to be put into place. You'd need to conceive the idea, buy land, draw up plans, order materials, hire professionals to do the tasks you can't, and finally, begin building the house. If you got as far as purchasing the materials and then sat there waiting for them to magically form themselves into a house, you'd be waiting a long time!

We need to use the same process to "build" the lives we want. We need to be clear on what we want (conceive the idea), draw up plans (set goals), and then take action to form our desires in the physical.

What most of us do, however, is say we want to change, but then act in ways that contradict that desire. There can be many reasons for this, such as the lure of old habits, fear, or low self-worth. Until we resolve the underlying issues, we will keep sabotaging our efforts to change.

If this describes you, and you've been struggling to make positive changes in your life and you just can't seem to do it, here is a 3-step plan to help you break through any walls that may be holding you back:

1) Identify and remove blockages. If you consistently avoid taking the actions that will bring about positive change in your life, there is likely something holding you back. It may be an old belief that you're not worthy of a happy life, or fear that you won't be able to handle the new circumstances, or just plain old resistance to change.

If you take some time to explore these feelings, you will be able to work through any limiting beliefs or fears. In fact, don't be surprised if you discover something about yourself that you never knew existed. You can explore your feelings by either writing them out, or speaking them aloud. You might start off with a prompt such as, "I feel afraid of . . ." or "I feel safe with my life the way it is because . . ." Allow your answers to come freely, and work on changing any thoughts or beliefs that will continue to hold you back.

2) Form decisive action steps. Another reason you might resist change is feeling unsure about the actions you need to take to bring it about. If you make a list of very specific steps that you can take daily, you will have a clear roadmap to the outcome you are trying to create. Think about the outcome, and then decide exactly which actions will bring you closer to it. Write them down and review them several times a day to be sure you are on the right track.

3) Make the right decisions. Adapting to change requires consistent decision-making. When you decide to quit smoking, you don't make that decision just once and be done with it. You need to make that decision over and over again as the cravings arise, until you no longer desire to smoke. If you decide to exercise every day, you will need to make that decision again each day, day after day, week after week - even if you don't feel like exercising initially. The same process applies to any changes you are trying to make in your life. Moment to moment, you need to choose the actions that will result in what you are trying to create. In order to do this, you may need to develop a deeper level of awareness about your own actions, especially if you find yourself automatically gravitating toward unproductive actions.

Remember that improvement is a process, and it takes consistent effort and focus. The good news is that once we begin the process, it gets easier every time we choose the right actions. Moment to moment, we do have the power to choose. If we take our time and enjoy the journey, we can't fail.

Trusting Your Inner Guidance

When we begin to feel lost or confused about various aspects of our lives, our first instinct is to search for direction. We feel sure that the answers we need are out there somewhere, and finding them will help us to know the right way to turn.





While seeking advice and guidance from others can be helpful at times, it is not always the best way to help ourselves. Rather than relying on someone else to tell us our truth, we can instead choose to look within and find the answers inside ourselves. Each of us has been given the gift of an inner advisor that will never steer us wrong.

This inner advisor is not pushy, however. He or she will not speak up unless we ask for help. When we finally open our hearts and minds to hear what our inner advisor has to say, the wisdom will begin to flow freely and our lives will begin to change for the better.

So, how do we tap this wealth of wisdom? Is there a request form we need to fill out somewhere? No, it's even easier than that, thank goodness. Following are tips to help you connect with your inner guidance and use it to create your best life:

1) Create a Harmonious Forum - our inner guidance flourishes in peaceful, quiet surroundings. If you've got a lot of noise and chaos around you, you won't be able to tap in and hear the wisdom waiting for you. Try to find a quiet place that you can relax in. You can also surround yourself with beauty by bringing in some fresh flowers, scented candles or incense, or even some soothing artwork. Whatever will help put you in a calm, peaceful mood.

2) Turn Within - if you're not a regular meditator, this can be tricky at first. You might wonder what the heck you're supposed to be turning "toward," or focusing on. The answer is simple: nothing. Focus on nothing. Simply close your eyes and turn your attention inward, to the silence within you. Random thoughts will probably keep popping in, but gently push them back out and return your attention to the silence.

3) Listen for Wisdom - if you've got a specific situation you're struggling with, this would be a good time to think about it. Try to do so without judgment, and without trying to come to any conclusions. Just ponder the issue and practice acceptance for what it is at this moment. Then ask yourself, "What would be the best course of action for me at this time?" Consider the possibilities before you, and think about how each one makes you feel. Most often, you will notice a difference between something that feels right, and something that feels wrong.

4) Let the Solution Materialize - if you don't recieve any insights initially, put the issue aside for awhile. By going through this process, you've already tapped into your inner guidance and asked for help. Even if the answer doesn't appear immediately, it will eventually. And in my experience, it doesn't take long! Just make an effort to stay open to the answer when it arrives. It will usually arrive in a flash of inspiration or insight that makes you say, "Ah ha!" Or perhaps it will be more along the lines of a subtle gut feeling, where you just know that one particular course of action "feels" right.

5) Act from the Heart - once you know what you need to do, act with confidence. Don't let worries or fears hold you back. Believe that your inner guidance knows what's best for you, and move forward with courage. Remember that there are truly no right or wrong paths in life, only experiences that we can learn from. By at least examining your options and considering which path is right for you at this time, you are making a wiser decision than you would otherwise.

At all times, strive to be your own master. There is nothing wrong with seeking knowledge and insight from others, but you aren't bound to mindlessly follow where they lead, either. You have the ability to find your own way and decide what's best for you. In your quest for knowledge, you will come across information that feels right to you, and information that doesn't seem to make sense. Use discernment and understand that there are many truths. You just have to find yours.

The Power Of Affirmations

Affirmations are spoken statements that can be of a positive or negative nature. In the popular sense of the term they are spoken commands made purposefully in order to change some aspect of our life. In order to fully understand how affirmations work and the science behind their use we must first look at the way our minds work!



When we are born our brains are like empty computers waiting to be fed information. As we grow our peers act as our programmers, they supply us with the knowledge which we channel through the conscious mind into the subconscious (our hard drive). The subconscious mind is the biggest hard drive ever developed - it stores everything we come in contact with and by no means is all of this information of a positive nature.

All that we have heard, touched, smelt, tasted and seen are stored in the recesses of our minds. The subconscious mind holds on to this information until we need to recall it. For example when you were young your curiosity lead you to investigate your surroundings. When you approached a substance that was dangerous, such as fire, your parents or guardians would most likely have rebuked or scolded you if you ventured too near the flame. Perhaps you may even recall an incident when you were physically burned. Your subconscious mind then began to relate scolding (or pain) with the intense heat of the fire and would therefore feed the feelings of the scolding incident back to you whenever you got too close to fire again, thus acting as an early warning system.

This is the mechanism used by our brains to learn. It is also the same method employed by the mind in every situation. The subconscious mind has a tendency to emulate what it sees - it tends to replicate its environment. This is why so many people find themselves in similar relationships and situations that they saw their parents in while they were growing up. Most people also hold very strongly or similar views of their parents.

Think of a time when you gave yourself praise. What words did you use? Do you use the same words that your parents or peers used when they were praising you? The same is applicable when you scold yourself.

Watch your internal dialogue. Look at it closely. It takes diligence to change the way you think. When you notice yourself thinking a negative chose to think the opposite. This way you neutralise the negative thought. Now the think the positive thought again! You have just reversed the negative thinking in that moment and remember you only have this moment. No other time exists! You are in the NOW.

The whole point of affirmations is to convince the mind that what you are repeating is the truth. As you verbalize your desire you will find negative emotions and contrary statements entering your conscious awareness. You must deal with these negative thoughts as they arise in order for your affirmations to work! Many people use affirmations with EFT or the Sedona Method in order to eliminate the negativity that comes up as a result of affirming something that feels untrue.

During your normal day daydream about what might be. Imagine things the way you wish them to be. If you catch yourself thinking "this is just a daydream - a fantasy" then stop! Think the opposite. It is not a daydream it is your reality. Now think it again. Release the resistance as it arises in whatever ay you can.

If you just repeat affirmations with no feeling, or worse, feeling that it isn't true, then you are actually affirming the opposite in your own mind! This is why some people find their situations actually getting worse when they work with affirmations. You must release the resistance by creating the feeling that the affirmation is true.

Bob Doyle goes into this approach indepth in his wealth beyond reason audio & video courses. I have found that affirmations will only work for me if I use EFT or the sedona method.

By creating the feeling of 'having it now' while repeating your affirmation you will begin to retrain your subconscious mind to think positively and you will ultimately begin to consciously create a life that dreams are made of!

Read the review of affirmware - the company behind a powerful affirmation software tool that can really boost the effectiveness of your affirmations!

Do You Have A Life Plan?

During the course of our daily lives, we make plans. We make plans for dinner, for trips to the grocery store, and for cleaning our house. We also make long-term plans for our education, our finances, our businesses, and our vacations. However despite all the planning that we do very few of us actually make a life plan and this is a critical oversight as a life plan would encompass all those areas as well as our self development, personal relationships and happiness.

We all have the capacity for happiness and success in every area of our lives including our personal development, our relationships, and our professional lives, but happiness and success do not just happen. We must actively seek them out and set in motion plans and actions that will make them not only possible but probable.

That is why you need a life plan, but actually creating one takes time and thought -- something so many of us have little to spare. However don't begrudge the time you could spend on a life plan because in the end that time is a very good investment that will help you save time and stress once you have your life plan fully developed. And isn't anything that can help you achieve happiness and success a worthwhile investment of your time and energy?

Where You Are Now

Before you can begin crafting your life plan you must evaluate your current status. Reflect on the realities of your life including your commitments, finances, and dreams. What about your life makes you happy and what makes you unhappy?

Where are you now in terms of work, recreation, relationships, finances, and anything else you consider important. For example, I consider it important that my life contributes to the greater good and I have friends who consider the long-term impact of their life is an important measure.

Rate each of these areas with a letter grade with "A" of course being the highest score for the best possible life. Then calculate your overall life grade. Obviously if you have a 4.0 then your life is on track, but anything less means there are some areas you will need to work on.

It is important to identify the areas of your life that you consider successful or at least on track to success as well as the areas that you would like to improve.

Let Your Dreams Out

A big part of creating your life plan is letting yourself dream of what your ideal life would include in all the key areas you identified above (career, relationships, etc.).

Don't worry about realities or impossibilities. Just give your heart and mind free reign to picture everything you wish your life could be in terms of relationships and family; profession and career; finances and retirement; and how you'd like to spend your time (travel, hobbies, etc.).

If money and other considerations were not a factor what would you do with your time and your life? What gets you really excited? What have you always wanted? What do you love to do (professionally or personally).

Step Back Into Reality

Note the abilities, experience and strengths you already possess that can help you live your ideal life.

Make a list of the accomplishments you are most proud of in your professional and personal life. Can any of these help you achieve your idea life?

Evaluate your work style and habits. Do you work better alone, in a group, or as a manager? What time of day is your peak performance? How many hours a day or week are you capable of working at a high level of performance?

Now Make Your Plan

Once you have created a vision of your dream life and evaluated your strengths and weaknesses then you are better able to create a plan that will help you achieve your ideal life.

Perhaps your dream is to own your business but currently you don't have any experience with management So find a way to gain that experience through your professional work or in a volunteer capacity.

Now that you know where you want your life to go and you know how far along that path you have progressed then it is simply a matter of working toward your goal to achieve that life of happiness and success you desire.