Reaching Forgiveness

“How can I forgive my parents when they were so abusive to me when I was growing up?”

“How can I forgive my spouse for cheating on me?”

“How can I forgive my best friend for abandoning me?”

“How can I face and forgive unforgiving abusers and manipulators?”

“How can I forgive myself when others do not forgive me and throw my past in my face every chance they get?”





These are some of the questions about forgiveness my clients have asked me over the 37 years that I have been a counselor.

We have all been told that forgiveness is good for the soul, and it is. Yet forgiveness cannot be forced. We cannot will ourselves to forgive, because if we try to deny the anger, blame and judgment that may still be there, it is likely to come out at some point. So how do we reach forgiveness?

Forgiveness toward others is the natural outcome of forgiving ourselves and of taking loving care of ourselves. When we judge ourselves, we will have a tendency to project that judgment onto others, no matter how much we tell ourselves that we have forgiven them.

Let’s start with the first statement, “How can I forgive my parents when they were so abusive to me when I was growing up?” My experience is that as long as you continue to treat yourself in the abusive ways your parents may have treated you, you cannot reach forgiveness. It is your lack of self-care that perpetuates the anger toward others.

As adults, we each have a wonderful opportunity to learn to treat ourselves with the love, respect, caring and understanding that we may have lacked as children. When we don’t do this, the past becomes the present as we continue to abuse ourselves in the ways we may have been abused, and then continue to blame others for how we end up feeling as a result of our lack of self-care.

“How can I forgive my spouse for cheating on me?” You will not be able to forgive a spouse until you fully take responsibility for your participation in the relationship issues that may have contributed to the infidelity. There are always ways you did not listen to yourself or honor yourself that put you in the position of being betrayed. As you look deeply within and discover how you might have betrayed yourself and learn to forgive yourself, you may reach forgiveness for your spouse, even if you end up leaving the relationship.

“How can I forgive my best friend for abandoning me?” The world tends to mirror to us whatever is happening in our own inner system. When we feel abandoned by someone, there is a good possibility that we have abandoned ourselves – that we have failed to attend to our own feelings and needs and have failed to be a loving advocate for ourselves. Once again, you will discover that if you learn how to take loving care of yourself, you will find your anger toward others gradually disappearing.

“How can I face and forgive unforgiving abusers and manipulators?” Others’ behavior actually has little to do with whether we choose to be judgmental or accepting and forgiving. When we learn to be compassionate rather than judgmental toward the wounded, manipulative side of ourselves, we will naturally be compassionate toward others’ wounded, manipulative behavior. Once again, forgiveness is the natural outgrowth of doing our inner work, of moving out of self-judgment and into self-compassion.

“How can I forgive myself when others do not forgive me and throw my past in my face every chance they get?” You will stay stuck in anger and judgment, and in feeling like a victim, as long as you make others responsible for whether or not you forgive yourself. Others’ forgiveness has nothing to do with your own decision to judge or forgive yourself.

When you learn to move out of judgment and into compassion – first for yourself and then for others – you will find yourself forgiving yourself and others. Forgiveness is the natural outgrowth of compassion.

Taking Action To Improve Your Life

When we first decide to make positive changes in our lives, we usually underestimate the amount of effort it will take. It's easy to dream and imagine a better life, but we also need to give form to our thoughts with decisive action. And that's where most of us get stuck.





Imagine that you wanted to build a house, and think about the process that needs to be put into place. You'd need to conceive the idea, buy land, draw up plans, order materials, hire professionals to do the tasks you can't, and finally, begin building the house. If you got as far as purchasing the materials and then sat there waiting for them to magically form themselves into a house, you'd be waiting a long time!

We need to use the same process to "build" the lives we want. We need to be clear on what we want (conceive the idea), draw up plans (set goals), and then take action to form our desires in the physical.

What most of us do, however, is say we want to change, but then act in ways that contradict that desire. There can be many reasons for this, such as the lure of old habits, fear, or low self-worth. Until we resolve the underlying issues, we will keep sabotaging our efforts to change.

If this describes you, and you've been struggling to make positive changes in your life and you just can't seem to do it, here is a 3-step plan to help you break through any walls that may be holding you back:

1) Identify and remove blockages. If you consistently avoid taking the actions that will bring about positive change in your life, there is likely something holding you back. It may be an old belief that you're not worthy of a happy life, or fear that you won't be able to handle the new circumstances, or just plain old resistance to change.

If you take some time to explore these feelings, you will be able to work through any limiting beliefs or fears. In fact, don't be surprised if you discover something about yourself that you never knew existed. You can explore your feelings by either writing them out, or speaking them aloud. You might start off with a prompt such as, "I feel afraid of . . ." or "I feel safe with my life the way it is because . . ." Allow your answers to come freely, and work on changing any thoughts or beliefs that will continue to hold you back.

2) Form decisive action steps. Another reason you might resist change is feeling unsure about the actions you need to take to bring it about. If you make a list of very specific steps that you can take daily, you will have a clear roadmap to the outcome you are trying to create. Think about the outcome, and then decide exactly which actions will bring you closer to it. Write them down and review them several times a day to be sure you are on the right track.

3) Make the right decisions. Adapting to change requires consistent decision-making. When you decide to quit smoking, you don't make that decision just once and be done with it. You need to make that decision over and over again as the cravings arise, until you no longer desire to smoke. If you decide to exercise every day, you will need to make that decision again each day, day after day, week after week - even if you don't feel like exercising initially. The same process applies to any changes you are trying to make in your life. Moment to moment, you need to choose the actions that will result in what you are trying to create. In order to do this, you may need to develop a deeper level of awareness about your own actions, especially if you find yourself automatically gravitating toward unproductive actions.

Remember that improvement is a process, and it takes consistent effort and focus. The good news is that once we begin the process, it gets easier every time we choose the right actions. Moment to moment, we do have the power to choose. If we take our time and enjoy the journey, we can't fail.

Trusting Your Inner Guidance

When we begin to feel lost or confused about various aspects of our lives, our first instinct is to search for direction. We feel sure that the answers we need are out there somewhere, and finding them will help us to know the right way to turn.





While seeking advice and guidance from others can be helpful at times, it is not always the best way to help ourselves. Rather than relying on someone else to tell us our truth, we can instead choose to look within and find the answers inside ourselves. Each of us has been given the gift of an inner advisor that will never steer us wrong.

This inner advisor is not pushy, however. He or she will not speak up unless we ask for help. When we finally open our hearts and minds to hear what our inner advisor has to say, the wisdom will begin to flow freely and our lives will begin to change for the better.

So, how do we tap this wealth of wisdom? Is there a request form we need to fill out somewhere? No, it's even easier than that, thank goodness. Following are tips to help you connect with your inner guidance and use it to create your best life:

1) Create a Harmonious Forum - our inner guidance flourishes in peaceful, quiet surroundings. If you've got a lot of noise and chaos around you, you won't be able to tap in and hear the wisdom waiting for you. Try to find a quiet place that you can relax in. You can also surround yourself with beauty by bringing in some fresh flowers, scented candles or incense, or even some soothing artwork. Whatever will help put you in a calm, peaceful mood.

2) Turn Within - if you're not a regular meditator, this can be tricky at first. You might wonder what the heck you're supposed to be turning "toward," or focusing on. The answer is simple: nothing. Focus on nothing. Simply close your eyes and turn your attention inward, to the silence within you. Random thoughts will probably keep popping in, but gently push them back out and return your attention to the silence.

3) Listen for Wisdom - if you've got a specific situation you're struggling with, this would be a good time to think about it. Try to do so without judgment, and without trying to come to any conclusions. Just ponder the issue and practice acceptance for what it is at this moment. Then ask yourself, "What would be the best course of action for me at this time?" Consider the possibilities before you, and think about how each one makes you feel. Most often, you will notice a difference between something that feels right, and something that feels wrong.

4) Let the Solution Materialize - if you don't recieve any insights initially, put the issue aside for awhile. By going through this process, you've already tapped into your inner guidance and asked for help. Even if the answer doesn't appear immediately, it will eventually. And in my experience, it doesn't take long! Just make an effort to stay open to the answer when it arrives. It will usually arrive in a flash of inspiration or insight that makes you say, "Ah ha!" Or perhaps it will be more along the lines of a subtle gut feeling, where you just know that one particular course of action "feels" right.

5) Act from the Heart - once you know what you need to do, act with confidence. Don't let worries or fears hold you back. Believe that your inner guidance knows what's best for you, and move forward with courage. Remember that there are truly no right or wrong paths in life, only experiences that we can learn from. By at least examining your options and considering which path is right for you at this time, you are making a wiser decision than you would otherwise.

At all times, strive to be your own master. There is nothing wrong with seeking knowledge and insight from others, but you aren't bound to mindlessly follow where they lead, either. You have the ability to find your own way and decide what's best for you. In your quest for knowledge, you will come across information that feels right to you, and information that doesn't seem to make sense. Use discernment and understand that there are many truths. You just have to find yours.

Help yourself to be yourself

By the end of this article, I hope to persuade you that the individual’s personal development is best served outside the confines of any organisation to which they may belong.





We're informed that no two snowflakes are the same. When I tried to prove otherwise, the light fluffy snow melted in my hand before I could examine the details. Maybe you'll have to have an open mind or accepted it as true. Is it something you can prove? To remove a snowflake from Everest and compare it with the snow on the French Alps seems so impossible.

We are told that no two human beings are the same. There are body and stunt doubles who are similar in appearance but what about other qualities? We are called individuals because that's what we are. If you took identical twins and locked them in a room together their individuality will be evident in their different opinions, even though they've shared so many common experiences from birth.

We know that no two footballers are the same. Footballers with exceptional individual talent sometimes feel they are restricted by their club's rules. Wealthy soccer stars believe that their money lifts them above the club and they strive to be completely individual, both on and off the pitch. Club managers argue that no one player is above the club, so there is conflict.

We know that no two published books are identical. From all books that are published, you will not find two identical books by two different authors. It is impossible for two writers to write the same text word for word or full stop for full stop. Even non-fiction books written on the same subject by more than one author, express a different point of view. Recognised facts are challenged because everyone is entitled to an opinion. Some people still accept that the earth is flat.

We believe that no two self help organisational groups are the same. Some argue that organisations suppress the individual's quest for individuality within the group. The group imposes a set of rules to facilitate a common experience for all members. I have heard it said that an organisation is just the first step up on the stairway to knowing yourself.

The more you understand about yourself, the more relaxed you become. You may have found an organisation that helps you, but one set of rules that fits all may inhibit your own development. The best advice is to join an organisation where your own individual opinions are accepted and do not attach yourself to a group where you have to change your own thinking to that of the established organisation.

Does this prove my case? In a Sunday paper (March 2006), there was a report of a Benedictine monk who jumped from a second floor balcony to his death. He had devoted his whole life to the Church but after reading a book, it highlighted the uncertainties about his faith. He was tormented.


When individual’s personal development grows outside the organisation’s box, it’s time to move on. The monk had obviously been pulled back inside so often by external pressures that he had reached a place of extreme turmoil. His individual thinking failed to allow him to reach out towards the next step in his development.

The crystal globe of truth rested on the town’s walls for all to see. One day during a gale, it crashed to the ground. The townsfolk stampeded to spot. Several individuals picked up fragments, holding them up to reflect the light.
Each claimed that they had the truth. Maybe there a little bit of the truth scattered in all organisations and in all personal development information. Perhaps no one is the guardian of the whole truth.

So your search may be never ending. Exercise your freedom of choice to permit your own individuality to be recognised within a group and where you may be your own brilliant self. To supplement this quest, self-help information may build into an extensive personal library. I know mine has.

In summary, the organisation to which you belong must be compatible to your own individual opinions. You should find the truth no matter who holds it, but you have to be an individual to enjoy this freedom of thinking.

Help yourself to be yourself

By the end of this article, I hope to persuade you that the individual’s personal development is best served outside the confines of any organisation to which they may belong.





We're informed that no two snowflakes are the same. When I tried to prove otherwise, the light fluffy snow melted in my hand before I could examine the details. Maybe you'll have to have an open mind or accepted it as true. Is it something you can prove? To remove a snowflake from Everest and compare it with the snow on the French Alps seems so impossible.

We are told that no two human beings are the same. There are body and stunt doubles who are similar in appearance but what about other qualities? We are called individuals because that's what we are. If you took identical twins and locked them in a room together their individuality will be evident in their different opinions, even though they've shared so many common experiences from birth.

We know that no two footballers are the same. Footballers with exceptional individual talent sometimes feel they are restricted by their club's rules. Wealthy soccer stars believe that their money lifts them above the club and they strive to be completely individual, both on and off the pitch. Club managers argue that no one player is above the club, so there is conflict.

We know that no two published books are identical. From all books that are published, you will not find two identical books by two different authors. It is impossible for two writers to write the same text word for word or full stop for full stop. Even non-fiction books written on the same subject by more than one author, express a different point of view. Recognised facts are challenged because everyone is entitled to an opinion. Some people still accept that the earth is flat.

We believe that no two self help organisational groups are the same. Some argue that organisations suppress the individual's quest for individuality within the group. The group imposes a set of rules to facilitate a common experience for all members. I have heard it said that an organisation is just the first step up on the stairway to knowing yourself.

The more you understand about yourself, the more relaxed you become. You may have found an organisation that helps you, but one set of rules that fits all may inhibit your own development. The best advice is to join an organisation where your own individual opinions are accepted and do not attach yourself to a group where you have to change your own thinking to that of the established organisation.

Does this prove my case? In a Sunday paper (March 2006), there was a report of a Benedictine monk who jumped from a second floor balcony to his death. He had devoted his whole life to the Church but after reading a book, it highlighted the uncertainties about his faith. He was tormented.


When individual’s personal development grows outside the organisation’s box, it’s time to move on. The monk had obviously been pulled back inside so often by external pressures that he had reached a place of extreme turmoil. His individual thinking failed to allow him to reach out towards the next step in his development.

The crystal globe of truth rested on the town’s walls for all to see. One day during a gale, it crashed to the ground. The townsfolk stampeded to spot. Several individuals picked up fragments, holding them up to reflect the light.
Each claimed that they had the truth. Maybe there a little bit of the truth scattered in all organisations and in all personal development information. Perhaps no one is the guardian of the whole truth.

So your search may be never ending. Exercise your freedom of choice to permit your own individuality to be recognised within a group and where you may be your own brilliant self. To supplement this quest, self-help information may build into an extensive personal library. I know mine has.

In summary, the organisation to which you belong must be compatible to your own individual opinions. You should find the truth no matter who holds it, but you have to be an individual to enjoy this freedom of thinking.

Do You Have A Life Plan?

During the course of our daily lives, we make plans. We make plans for dinner, for trips to the grocery store, and for cleaning our house. We also make long-term plans for our education, our finances, our businesses, and our vacations. However despite all the planning that we do very few of us actually make a life plan and this is a critical oversight as a life plan would encompass all those areas as well as our self development, personal relationships and happiness.

We all have the capacity for happiness and success in every area of our lives including our personal development, our relationships, and our professional lives, but happiness and success do not just happen. We must actively seek them out and set in motion plans and actions that will make them not only possible but probable.

That is why you need a life plan, but actually creating one takes time and thought -- something so many of us have little to spare. However don't begrudge the time you could spend on a life plan because in the end that time is a very good investment that will help you save time and stress once you have your life plan fully developed. And isn't anything that can help you achieve happiness and success a worthwhile investment of your time and energy?

Where You Are Now

Before you can begin crafting your life plan you must evaluate your current status. Reflect on the realities of your life including your commitments, finances, and dreams. What about your life makes you happy and what makes you unhappy?

Where are you now in terms of work, recreation, relationships, finances, and anything else you consider important. For example, I consider it important that my life contributes to the greater good and I have friends who consider the long-term impact of their life is an important measure.

Rate each of these areas with a letter grade with "A" of course being the highest score for the best possible life. Then calculate your overall life grade. Obviously if you have a 4.0 then your life is on track, but anything less means there are some areas you will need to work on.

It is important to identify the areas of your life that you consider successful or at least on track to success as well as the areas that you would like to improve.

Let Your Dreams Out

A big part of creating your life plan is letting yourself dream of what your ideal life would include in all the key areas you identified above (career, relationships, etc.).

Don't worry about realities or impossibilities. Just give your heart and mind free reign to picture everything you wish your life could be in terms of relationships and family; profession and career; finances and retirement; and how you'd like to spend your time (travel, hobbies, etc.).

If money and other considerations were not a factor what would you do with your time and your life? What gets you really excited? What have you always wanted? What do you love to do (professionally or personally).

Step Back Into Reality

Note the abilities, experience and strengths you already possess that can help you live your ideal life.

Make a list of the accomplishments you are most proud of in your professional and personal life. Can any of these help you achieve your idea life?

Evaluate your work style and habits. Do you work better alone, in a group, or as a manager? What time of day is your peak performance? How many hours a day or week are you capable of working at a high level of performance?

Now Make Your Plan

Once you have created a vision of your dream life and evaluated your strengths and weaknesses then you are better able to create a plan that will help you achieve your ideal life.

Perhaps your dream is to own your business but currently you don't have any experience with management So find a way to gain that experience through your professional work or in a volunteer capacity.

Now that you know where you want your life to go and you know how far along that path you have progressed then it is simply a matter of working toward your goal to achieve that life of happiness and success you desire.

5 Quick Stress Busters.

Stress is fast becoming the biggest health problem in modern societies. Financial pressures, work pressures, family pressures – so much to do so little time to do it all! Here’s five quick ways to ease the pressure and relieve stress:



1. Make time to switch off from the daily trials and tribulations and relax for at least one hour every day. Just shut the world out and do something you enjoy. Reading, playing a musical instrument, taking a relaxing bath with music and candles (and maybe a glass of wine) are all great ways to unwind and will be extremely beneficial to your mental health.

2. If you’re dealing with a stressful situation and you have a lot on your plate then it can be very hard to find solutions. You’re caught up in the midst of a sandstorm and it is very difficult to see the way out. A good idea is to get some distance from your problems so you can gather your thoughts. If possible, take a day or even a weekend away from your usual surroundings, somewhere peaceful, and relax. Take a journal along so you can jot down any ideas. Distance away from problems can bring clarity and by relaxing, you’ll be calmer and solutions will come far easier than when you’re in the heat of battle.

3. One of the reasons people become stressed is because they are facing a change or even a number of changes to their lives. Change is a constant in life and refusing to accept change can cause stress levels to soar. When you are faced with a change, try to find the positives associated with change and embrace change instead of resisting it. Every change presents an opportunity for you to grow and there are always positives to find in even the most trying of circumstances. Change doesn’t bring stress, it’s all about how you react to change and if you react in a negative way, you will do yourself no end of harm.

4. There always seems to be an endless list of jobs that need doing: repairs around the home, paperwork, car maintenance, throwing out junk, cleaning the patio, weeding the garden – on and on and on! The more we put them off, the more the list grows and the more they contribute to your stress levels. So make a list of all of these chores and then schedule something I call a “Blitz Day”. On this day, you will rise early and spend the whole day sorting out each of these jobs. Take few breaks and only have a quick bite at lunchtime and just blitz through these irritating but necessary tasks. This will get rid of them, you’ll lower the stress they cause but more importantly, you’ll realize just how effective and industrious you can be when you apply the full force of your will to accomplish things.

5. Treat yourself to a pamper day. This is a day where you escape from the hustle and bustle of everyday living and enjoy some stress-free time. You’ll also feel great and give your well being a huge boost. On this day, have a light workout, a swim, a sauna, a Jacuzzi, a steam room. A massage would be nice and if you have access to one, a Turkish baths will give you an invigorating experience. Try to do this at least once a month, it is an excellent stress-buster.

The 5 Tips here will help you to significantly reduce your stress levels but they’ll only work for you if you put them into action. Give them a go – you’ll be amazed at the results!